Chelsz

I wrote this poem in March of this year as I was beginning to come out of my two decade long depression. I was finally starting to realize what a gift it was that I was able to feel so much. It makes me who I am and empowers me to use my voice and fight for what is right. I simply just care and am tired of hearing since I was a child that it makes me dramatic, because that’s not what it makes me. It makes me a person who gives a shit. Anthropology is constantly asking the question of what it means to be human and I think there are many answers, but one of the answers I’ve come to realize is:

To care, is to hurt. To hurt deeply, is to be human.

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It feels like gravity is pulling me down
And I’m not sure if I should smile or frown
Because somehow I’m at my best when I’m at my worst
Maybe I should explain what I mean first

The internet tells me no
You can’t really feel the weight so
I ask why I wouldn’t I feel weight of the universe 
Pressing on my existence 
When I know I can feel so much 

I feel it in the grass as I run my fingers to touch 
It’s finally spring 
And I feel it when the birds sing
And when I wear my grandmas rings 
Its so intense when I hold my kid near
The loves flows through me and it feels clear 

But I can also feel the weight
The weight of the universe
I can feel it pulling me down
And is this a smile or a frown
I’m at my best when I’m at my worst
Can somebody please explain this curse 

Because I can feel it when I get online
I scroll and I scroll and people are dying 
Palestine, Congo, and Sudan
Everyday we steal more land
It’s there when I drive my car
No matter how near or far
Homeless on the streets
Living in comfort we find liars and cheats

I feel it when the man at the gas station tells me you should smile, dear
And when only money, sports, and billionaire white women bring cheer
When the phone buzzes and it’s my mom
I can feel it then, I can tell you it’s not calm 

So then why do you say I can’t feel it push me down
The weight of gravity as I smile and frown 
Am I my best when I’m at my worst 
It won’t matter when I finally burst

Because I feel it all
And for a long time I would just fall 
As gravity had its way
Each day I would pray and pray 
Until I hit the ground
And when I stood up and looked around
The world was no longer what I believed it to be
And suddenly with every blink I could see
As unity rises, injustices cease

Children play in the rubble of what was once their home
Wolves return to the forest to roam
Even through shattered windows sunlight will stream
And sometimes when I sleep my nightmares turn to dreams

So I guess it’s okay that I feel the weight of gravity 
I can finally see it’s not insanity 
What a gift to feel so much 
A gift to see the world and be so touched 
I feel best when I’m at my worst
Despite gravity’s force, I will stand and traverse